I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.