Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
happy friday
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
😂😂
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.