INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
My therapist after every session
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.