I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
want me to check your oil?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My dog learned how to text
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE