If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Meeeee too!
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.