When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
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Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Barbie gone wild
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.