“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Snapes on a plane.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.