doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.