I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos