i actually laughed 😩
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Thursday
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest