Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
this post was so formative to me
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*