Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
me linking you to my twitter
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.