As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.