Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???