ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart