[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.