October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.