You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
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Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Who did it better?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.