Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”