I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend