my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made