baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
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Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”