The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful