My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
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$4 #usedbooks
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins