I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
me and who
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”