ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
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Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser