me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
good morning
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed