The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Noted.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.