Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right