archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap