*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I love it all
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.