If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.