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Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
you’re so productive for your wage
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain