Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah