Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My love language is deader than Latin
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*