Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.