Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Hot Hot Hot
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex