The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
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Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Barbie gone wild
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
@ candidates for local office
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed