All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
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It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Stop.
I need to get some bricks…
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Single and childfree like Jesus
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face