[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie