Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
You Might Also Like
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Bootstraps
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
work smarter, not harder
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.