I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock