Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
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*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.