me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
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[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.