“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never