Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
You Might Also Like
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫