We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
synchronized noseblowing
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
i love modern commerce
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
my first dose meeting my second
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.