I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
this came to me in a vision
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
there’s probably a fee though
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!