My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.