Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.